OK, girlie, here’s the thing. Yes, someday you do lose most of the extra weight and get to a comfortable place – not too thin but not chubby. I won’t tell you how we do it just yet, even though you’re dying to know. You’re not ready for that information. Sorry.
For now just know that when you do, it feels really, really great. You would think that the best part is fitting into single digit clothing sizes and not breaking into a sweat every time you take the stairs, but the best things are intangible. For one, you are much more confident as a person. No longer do you compare your size to that of everyone else in the room, hoping to find someone bigger to make you feel smaller. You just see people for who they are and not what they look like. You’re still outgoing, but not so that people like you, rather because you are now free to like people. You have more energy. You weigh less than your husband and thus finally get a smaller ring size than he has (He will always wear a smaller shoe than you, though. Not sure if that is to your shame or his).
However, while your body is smaller, it’s the same one you were born with. For example: so sorry to tell you this (and even sorrier that it is true) but losing weight doesn’t make you taller.
You don’t get the hourglass figure everyone is always blathering on about. It would seem that in order to get these curves you need a long waist. Since you have about an inch between your lower rib and hip bone, your get more of a slight dent.
Your butt and breasts lose the fat. I know, this was supposed to be a good thing, right? Not so much, as it turns out. Apparently butts look best if they have a certain amount of muscle. This is what gives them height and roundness. Lost fat does not automatically turn into muscle. Unfortunate, yes?
And get this – good breasts are full of fat. Why knew? So when you lose fat in the girls – well let’s just say they take the shape of whoopee cushions with all the fun gone out of them (Troy insists that he’s just playfully giving zerberts, but I’m pretty sure it’s an attempt to blow up what has deflated).
Before you lose all hope know that a nice pair of good fitting jeans can actually lift your butt. You just have to get some that have a pretty tight leg so that it creates a kind of shelf for the badoongas to rest on. Also, push-up bras are great! Just put a tennis ball in each cup and spread the flesh over them. Presto! They look stunning!
The extra skin from birthing four babies is with you for life, so embrace it. I have found that it’s a very convenient reverse fanny pack. Things like pens and theater tickets tuck in there nicely.
I’m pained to say that bathing suit shopping doesn’t get any easier. It will still be more traumatic than giving birth in that teaching hospital where the residents, whose voices hadn’t changed yet, were taking turns learning what 4 centimeters felt like. I recommend stiff margarita and dressing room with a low watt bulb.
So there you go. Losing the weight will have its perks, but please know that it won’t solve all of your problems – especially because you do this when you get older. Sad but true, the chubbiness of your face was actually keeping things from sagging and wrinkling. Sigh. However, getting to a healthy weight is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself…and you’re worth it!