Dear Me, about parental goals…

Posted on July 25, 2011 by LASM

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” – Frederick Douglass

Dear Me,

Before I tell you the magic recipe for producing a successful child (psych!), let’s define what we’re shooting for (or what I now believe are the most important things for you to shoot for. Personally, I’m two years from retirement!).

As I’ve told you in previous letters, your idea of a successful child is seriously flawed. In your idealistic mind you are aiming for an honor roll, hugely popular, well groomed, prodigy type with great manners and perpetually sunny disposition. This is a waste of time for everyone – you, me, Troy, and the kids. Is this possible to create?  Yes.  I’ve actually met teenagers whose parents have managed to bully them into this mold. They are highly medicated with facial tics and tend to spontaneously combust sometime between college and grad school.

In addition, ask yourself:  if your child possessed great personal character but became a trash collector, would you feel like you were a successful parent?  Would you be proud of them?  What I have observed is that most parents care more about what their child achieves that how they achieve it.  Accomplishment wins out over character.  And we still have the nerve to shake our heads at tabloid headlines!

In my experience, what you should be aiming for is giving them the tools they will need to be:

1. Emotionally healthy…as much as possible. Guaranteed, they will need therapy because of your flaws. I haven’t met anyone yet who doesn’t – adult or child – because (boo-hoo) everyone’s parents are human.  Still, if you will allow me to paraphrase George Orwell, some are more human than others. The ideal outcome is a child who is:

  • Reasonably confident – somewhere between arrogant and insecure. Have yet to meet anyone who doesn’t drift a bit to one side or the other so don’t expect them to have a perfect balance here, but do your best to keep them from living in the extremes (frankly, good advice for every area of life!)
  • Takes mistakes in stride – while not indifferent, not wallowing in a pit of shame either.  Mistakes should be uncomfortable – even painful – but a healthy person learns from their mistakes instead of being defined by them.
  • Can identify their feelings and talk about them – this is huge and will take a lot of work – especially with the boys.
  • Grateful for what they have/content – the opposite of entitlement – one of the parental plagues of our generation.

2. Relationally healthy – i.e. able to engage in healthy relationships with friends, family members, school mates/coworkers, God, and their spouse (See parentheses under item one). I would summarize this one as knowing how to both give and receive love.

3. Responsible – i.e. good time management skills, taking care of their things (and other’s things), reliable, motivated, etc. Oh, and I would include good manners under this. You’re not off on everything 😉

But how do you teach these to the children?  Let’s dive into that later this week.

Love, Older Wiser You

So, this is where I would like to open this up for discussion (because, guess what?  Others are listening in on our little conversations).  What do you all believe are the most important goals in parenting?

Posted in Child Discipline, Child-rearing, Dear Me, family, Kids, parenting, parenting goals | 1 Comment

Dear Me, About Raising Kids Right

Posted on July 22, 2011 by LASM

Dear Me,

OK, it’s time for you and me to have “the talk” about raising the kids, because I am reaping the consequences of your actions (and inactions).  I realize that this is a tricky topic – especially in our current culture – but because it is so important, I will dispense with the burden of being politically correct and shoot straight.

In times past there was pretty much one rule in child-rearing: spare the rod, spoil the child. A parent’s only choice was to do the former or the ladder. Today, however, there are countless books pushing countless theories that leave parents adrift in a sea of advice, testing ports in a desperate attempt to find the one shelter that will keep their children from being battered by the cruel waves of the world.

So how do you decide which child-rearing approach to pick when there are so many philosophies to choose from? It’s a scary step because, let’s face it, we’re pretty much gambling with the outcome of a person here, and it’s not like the quest for the perfect Italian red sauce where you can dump out a flop until you find that recipe that transports you into culinary bliss. Because – oh hurrah – the one thing that almost all the “experts” do agree on is the importance of consistency. No pressure.

In addition, people no longer raise children with the mentality that it takes a village. Nope, we go it solo. Why? There are several reasons, but the most dominating one I have observed stems from the fact that everyone’s picked a different child rearing theory – and deep down most we’re insecure about our choice. Thus, if anyone else, from a grandparent to a dear friend, corrects a child this throws the parent into defensive rage (“How dare you presume to tell my child what to do!”) which stems from shame (“If I were a good mother, the children would always behave perfectly in public and never need Aunt Edna’s corrections”). It’s true. Recently I heard a story where an uncle asked his pre-teen nephew – nicely – to stop hitting the baseball where the toddlers were sitting. This resulted in an eruption of anger from the father of the little slugger that was so unreasonably defensive that the adult parties are on cold terms to this day!

In Dad’s growing up years things were very different. Anyone could deliver the swat of consequences upon any misbehaving kid. He tells about the first time a stranger spanked him at the Five and Dime when he got out of line. Afterward he went home to complain to his mother about it only to receive, instead of sympathy, a second spanking! In the future, if he got a thump upside the head by the druggist or a lady his family went to church with he kept it to himself. Was this ever abused? Yes. Still, it taught his generation to respect adults, and while I am not advocating that the chick in the bakery department be given the freedom to take a rolling pin to young Johnathan’s behind, it would be nice for society – and the kids – if they learned that all adults should be respected. Yes, it is super important that children empowered to tell grown-ups no when it’s appropriate, but seriously, there has to be a way to teach both.

So with all this conflicting advice and isolation, is there one universal truth of parenting? (I realize that this is an ironic statement as we just got through discussing how the book writers all claim to have the answer…but this one is from experience and is far from harmful if I’m wrong). The answer is yes. And I’ll tell you about it next week.

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Child Discipline, Child-rearing, Dear Me, Expectations, family, Kids, parenting, Wisdom | 1 Comment

Dear Me, about PMS…

Posted on June 21, 2011 by LASM

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Rosanne Barr

Dear Me,

PMS is viewed as the bane of the existence of most every woman on the planet (and their families).  However, I see it as more of a blessing for us females.  Here are the facts:

  1. No matter what Troy thinks, PMS is real (He once announced on a Men’s panel at MOPS, “I don’t believe in PMS.  I mean, you know it’s coming, get a grip.”  He wasn’t even out of his 20’s at the time.  The older, more experienced men slowly inched their chairs away from him and one even jumped up, right hand in the air like he was having a religions experience, and declared, “I do believe in PMS!” Troy has since “seen the light”).
  2. PMS is healthy. God in his infinite wisdom decided that the majority of women need an emotional purge once a month. Therefore, He irrigates us with a tidal wave of hormones that flush out all of the junk that has been stuffed for 28 days. After this process you almost always feel fantastic. Yes, men are exempt, but I honestly believe the gift of PMS is one of the reasons we tend to live longer.
  3. Many people assert (especially men)  that when we have a PMS attack, it is over nothing – that the trigger is imagined.  Not so.  There is always a real trigger; it’s just that we were able to blow it off when we were emotionally stronger, like on, say, day 14.  So PMS is how you know that the fact that he hasn’t hugged you in weeks or left his laundry on the floor – just like he always does – needs to finally be dealt with. Think of is as paying an account that is past due…or maybe a healthy day of reckoning.
  4. Despite the truths of the previous points, it is important that you don’t make any significant life decisions when you are in “your week.”  Putting your house on the market because it’s a sty, bullying your husband into marital counseling because he doesn’t appreciate you, depositing the children on the curb for the gypsies to pick up – these are all decisions that should not be made at this time.  My advice?  Wait a bit.  If you still feel the same way about whatever it is after a week or two, it may need looking into (except for the gypsy thing.  Never let go of a good tax deduction, and the gypsies I’ve talked with don’t have any government forms to document your donation).

So, what are healthy ways to tame your PMS?

  1. Keep a record of your cycle.  How many times have I tearfully picked up the phone to call a divorce lawyer only to see on our desk calendar that my week has started and then hung up the receiver with an “Oh, yeah…”
  2. Journal.  It is much less damaging to list grievances on paper before vomiting them on family members.
  3. If necessary, forget your diet.  There are times to be legalistic about what you put in your body.  This is not one of them.  On particularly bad months Troy has been known to throw a Dove bar on the bed and back away slowly, avoiding eye contact. Five minutes later we’re in love again.
  4. Half a glass of wine can do wonders.  Make it red and your heart benefits as well (both your emotional and physical ones).
  5. Keep bubble paper on hand.  Seriously, who can stay in a bad mood after having a go at some bubble paper?  And it’s healthier to pop than say, people’s heads.

So, PMS is real, healthy and treatable.  Don’t deny that you have it – embrace it – and you will live a long happy life (and so will your family).

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Dear Me, family, food, humor, Husbands, Kids, Marriage, PMS, Self Control, spats, temper, Wisdom | Tagged | 2 Comments

Dear Me, About Being a “Good” Mom…

Posted on June 15, 2011 by LASM

“It’s not easy being a mother.  If it were easy, fathers would do it.” ~From the television show The Golden Girls

Dear Me,

So back when you were pregnant with your first, you and Troy took classes at the hospital to learn about everything from giving birth to caring for newborns.  Alas, you decide to skip the breast feeding class believing you know everything in this area; telling Troy, as if you are some sort of authority, “It’s just like a bottle except that it magically refills and doesn’t detach.”  Your arrogance ends in months of frustration and physical pain.  But I digress…

In your Newborn Care class the instructor goes over what one would expect: diaper changing, bathing, etc., but one thing that she makes sure to bring up in each session is that a baby should never be shaken.  Now, you’re 20 years old and don’t watch the news so have no idea why anyone would even think of shaking a baby.  It’s elementary – right up there with feed regularly and don’t forget it in a restaurant booth (which your parents did to you, by the way.  Another story…).   Still, this woman is really concerned about it.  She outlines how dangerous it is and gives statistics and everything.  You are horrified to learn that this is a real issue.  When you finally deliver Timothy six weeks later, it is even more confusing to think that anyone would consider doing this to someone so sweet and helpless.

And then…

Two years later Tommy is born and for the first ten months of his life he kind of sucks…unfortunately, not in the literal sense.  Not only is nursing him is a battle of the wills, not only does he develops chronic ear infections at six weeks that never seem to completely clear up, but at the three month mark he drags the whole family down into the underworld of colic.

If Tommy is awake, he is screaming – and he sleeps very little.  Frankly, Troy and I spend an entire weekend looking for the hospital receipts in the hope that we can return him. “I’m sorry, person-at-the-hospital-front-desk, but this is not the model we ordered.  We were supposed to get something with the temperament of our firstborn.  Here he is as proof.  See how quiet and smiley he is?  This is what we breed.  Yes, we will take an exchange.”

The worst part about having a child with colic is the knowledge that you are totally helpless – something that good moms are never supposed to be.  A good mom could fix it. You try.  You eliminate everything from your diet that could possibly be gas inducing, which leaves you more or less living on filtered water and white bread.  You give him the expensive drops.  You lay him on a towel atop the running clothes drier and leave the vacuum on for hours to create white noise. Nothing works. Soon Tommy’s painful cries become the evidence that convicts you as a maternal failure.

So one day you are holding the screaming Tommy, drowning in your failure and helplessness, when you snap, hear yourself yell, “What do you want me to do?!?” and then…you have to restrain yourself from shaking him.  Right there, in the kitchen, you sink to the floor sobbing while you hold your baby, horrified because, while you don’t actually do it, what kind of a mom lets that even enter her thoughts?

You learn a valuable lesson that day.  Actually, you don’t learn it that day, instead you emotionally flog yourself, but it is the beginning of the lesson, and it is this:  a good mother is not judged by the thoughts she has but the actions she takes. We all have days when we consider leaving our kids in the donation box at Good Will or dream about spending our money on a pedicure instead of another field trip fee.  It’s not your temptations, but your decisions that make the mother.  And you are a good mother.

Which is why you do something brilliant, likely God inspired: you put Tommy in his crib, go out on the back porch, and take a breather with a box of animal crackers.  Is he still screaming?  Yes.  Do you feel guilty about taking a break from him?  You betcha, but I am here to tell you that the five minute breaks that you start to take from time on are far better than the alternative.  Not only this, but I personally know Tommy as an adult, and he’s turned out pretty darn well.  No attachment disorder.  No abandonment issues.  Good grades.  Nice posture. Jimmy Stewart fan.  The kid is OK.

So don’t waste time beating yourself up for you human limits.  Take breaks when needed so that you have the strength to take good care of your just-as-human kids.

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in colic, Dear Me, Expectations, Kids, parenting, Self Control, temper, Wisdom | Leave a comment

Dear Me, About Dinner Parties…

Posted on June 8, 2011 by LASM

Dear Me,

Dinner parties are scary.  They really, really are.  You are setting yourself up to be judged as a homemaker, hostess, cook and woman in general.  It’s a lot of pressure, but when you know what you’re doing, they can be fun and enrich friendships.

Let’s be frank.  You are the Lucille Ball of dinner parties: something always goes horribly wrong, Troy supplies the laugh track, and when he sees the grocery bill I “have some s’plaining to do.”

Take the first time you made pasta sauce.  You heard somewhere that Italians cook it all day, missing that this is on simmer, so served a marinara with what your guests referred to as a smoky flavor – a polite way of saying burned. (Note: if you burn any sauce to the bottom of your pan, DO NOT scrape it up.  If you avoid the bottom altogether, you may have a chance of salvaging it.  Otherwise, you just distribute black bits of failure throughout the dish).

In addition you become sort of notorious for serving people their dinner about four hours after they arrive because your sense of timing is so terrible.  Sure, they rave about your food, but at that point they’re so hungry that if you served grilled cardboard with a side of boiled dandelions they would devour it greedily (which is what some of your attempts have actually resembled, come to think of it).

Take heart, me girl, someday you will feed up to 50 people a full sit down dinner without thinking twice.  As a matter of fact, just last week I served a crowd of 80 for Johnathan’s graduation party to rave reviews (and everything was ready when they arrived, so starvation was not a factor).  How do you cross over from dinner disasters to brilliant buffets?  Follow the three P’s of entertaining: Practice, Plan, and Pray!

Practice

Troy and I learned the hard way, several times, that it is unwise to serve food to guests that you have never prepared before.  So, one day we decide that for our annual Christmas party we should try making the entire meal about a week beforehand. This is how we learned that, while pears poached in wine sound impressive, they just taste like bitter pears.  Because we practiced, we had plenty of time to find a tasty alternative.

Plan

This is huge.  For just about every dinner party – whether it’s an intimate setting or a crowd – list out your menu, how long each item takes to prepare, the ingredients needed, and the prep order.  Not only does this help you to remember everything, but it keeps panic and stress at a minimum. In addition, because of planning I now know how fun it is to cook with Troy instead of sending him running all over town to pick up the items I forgot to get.

Pray

No matter how much you practice or plan, things can still go wrong.  For example, one Christmas party we had pre-ordered three spiral sliced hams.  It was 30 minutes to show time and the sides, desserts – everything was ready.  Troy and a buddy went to pick up the ham only to find that the store had closed early.  There were no cell phones in those days, so they were left to their own devices – which explains why that year we served sautéed green beans with slivered almonds, glazed carrots, creamy potatoes au gratin, hot buttered rolls…and lunch meat (they got ham and turkey.  Very festive).  Yes, prayer is important; that and never sending two men out alone without a way to communicate with home base.

My best advice for you and entertaining, however, is to let go of your belief that you are being judged.  Unless it’s your husband’s boss (and who does that anymore?) these are your friends.  If you have a good sense of humor when things go awry your guests not only still have a good time but feel closer to you somehow.  So practice, plan, pray and then focus on enjoying your guests rather than impressing them.

That, watch a lot of Food Network, and always have cheese and crackers on hand – just in case.

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Blog, Dear Me, entertaining, Expectations, food, humor, Laughing At Spilled Milk, planning, Wisdom | Leave a comment

Dear Me, About teaching the kids to say please and thank you…

Posted on June 5, 2011 by LASM

“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” – Fred Astaire

Dear Me,

Dad tells this cute story about how, when you were a toddler and picked up an object that you shouldn’t be in possession of (something break/flammable), Mom or Dad would say “Thank you!” with a big smile as they took it out of your hands.  One day they came into your bedroom to find you picking up the toys from the floor saying a cheerful “Thank you!” after retrieving each one.  They confessed later that this made them feel kind of guilty, but I think it was evidence of parental success!

I cannot tell you how vital it is to teach the kids to say “please” and “thank you,” and the time to start is now, when they are little.  This is of great importance for several reasons:

  1. It endears them to adults like teachers and bosses when they get older.
  2. It teaches them that they are not entitled to anything (a real trick these days).  Getting stuff by stating “I want” teaches them the opposite.
  3. It helps your “mama mood.”  When you’re tired or stressed and your kid wants juice, you will be much more patient and accommodating when they ask with sweet manners instead of bossy demands (as we both know, every possible tactic  should be used to keep you patient and accommodating. You in a good mood befits the whole family really).

So, how do you teach your demanding three-year-old these two basic phrases?  You already have the answer in your arsenal; remember they have been called “the magic words” for countless generations.  Why not use this term to tell the kids a useful parable?

Here’s the one that works for your family.

You are the Gatekeeper to the Cave of Need and Generosity.  The only way the cave can be opened and remain accessible is by using the magic words: please and thank you.  When these words are not used, the Cave of Need and Generosity remains closed and cannot be approached again for a period of time.  So, when your child says, “Mom, I want some juice,” you say, “I’m sorry, you didn’t use the magic words, so my answer has to be no.  If you’d like, you can try again in five minutes.”  Then set the microwave timer.  It’s their responsibility to listen for the beep.  If they get engrossed in something else and forget about it, then it was probably nothing all that important.  In the same vein, never release an item unless you hear a thank you – which can be rather amusing when they are gagging for a cookie or stuck on the toilet without any paper to finish off the deed.

I’d love to tell you that when you use this tack for say, two weeks, the magic words are habitually used without error.  No such luck.  These children who never forget when the next meal is or when their allowance is due will never be able to go a month without please and thank you reminders.     It’s like they are an old video cassette and your house has some magnetic force that wipes their memory clean every couple of weeks.  But be encouraged; when outside of the abode they are beautifully consistent.  If I had nickel for every teacher or parent of one of their friends who told me how well they say please and thank you I could get my hair professionally highlighted instead of going the trial and error route with stuff from the drugstore.

One final, unfortunate note:  while the whole “Cave of Need and Generosity” thing is somewhat successful, there is a silver bullet here to ensure that your kids get the magic words ingrained in their vocabulary: consistently use them yourself as often as you possibly can in every directive, request, and praise you give.  Yes, the real secret to teaching any child a new discipline is to teach it to you first.  Bummer, huh?

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Child Discipline, Dear Me, Expectations, Kids, temper | Leave a comment

Dear Me, About Your Lack of Planning

Posted on May 25, 2011 by LASM

Dear Me,

OK, Johnathan graduated from High School.  This is the third consecutive year a kid of ours has done this. It’s painful, heart wrenching stuff to have a much loved child fly from the nest every year.  I’m in mourning – and I blame you. So let’s attempt to change the future I am in by teaching you some new vocabulary words.

Spacing –  \spā’sĭng\ In reference to breeding, an approach wherein the prospective parents decide how many months/years will exist between children.  I have heard anywhere from three to five years is ideal.  No one seems to recommend 14 months.

Plan – \plăn\ A scheme, program, or method worked out beforehand for the accomplishment of an objective.  People who come up with a plan, for say, breeding, are referred to as planners.  This is not a word that leaps to mind when friends think of you.

Birth Control –   \bûrth kən-trōl’\ A scientific system that aides the couple in acquiring their planned number of children and their spacing. There are a variety of approaches.  None of them are called the Rhythm Method (or as we refer to it in our house, Rug Rat Roulette).

Because you and Troy do not currently have these words in your vocabulary, you let God give you however many kids He wants to at whatever intervals strike His fancy.

  • God: the guy who says early on in His handbook that He wants to populate the earth.
  • You: the granddaughter of the woman who had eleven children in 19 years.

But you don’t even care, do you?  You’re young and don’t know anything about the consequences of reckless breeding.

Well fine.  Go crazy and ignore the products you put in the bed stand drawer. I get four great kids out of it who turn out to be pretty darn fun … and they’re there for each other all through school, which is nice.  Actually, aside from being bone weary for years on end, there are a lot of benefits to having four in 4 ½ years.

But seriously?  Three in diapers – twice?

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Blog, College, Dear Me, Graduation, Kids, Marriage | Tagged | Leave a comment

Dear Me, About Kids and Current Events…

Posted on May 12, 2011 by LASM

Dear Me,

Just to put your mind at ease, you do a really, really good job teaching your children the important things, like appreciation for old movies, how to floss and the importance of God in their lives.

You kind of fall down on the keeping-up-with-current-events thing.

Last Thanksgiving the boys fell to talking about how O.J. Simpson was arrested in Vegas.  This shocks and appalls Jenny Girl.

“What?  O. J. is going to jail?  I can’t believe it!  That’s horrible!”

“Well, he should have been behind bars years ago after he murdered his wife and that poor waiter guy,” observes Johnathan.

“He murdered his wife?!?  When did this happen?”

“Like, ages ago.  You know who O.J. is, right?  The black guy who was the Heisman Trophy winner?  He played for the Buffalo Bills.”

“O.J.’s BLACK??????”  Her mother’s daughter, the football reference didn’t penetrate.  “Wow.  Why did I always picture him as white with a beard?”

“I have no idea.”

Beat. Beat.

“Well that shatters my childhood to pieces…I can’t believe the guy who created Kermit the Frog and Sesame Street murdered his wife!”

How she confused O.J. Simpson and Jim Henson is a Tootsie Roll Pop question:  The world may never know.

——————————————————————————

Just so you don’t think it was a fluke, one of the boys (who wants to remain nameless) came up with a beaut this week.

We’re all eating pizza and watching the previously taped Thursday night line-up, laughing and having a great time, when I realize that I need to leave for swing band practice.  The family rule is that we all watch Thursday’s shows together, so it had to stop for an hour until I got back. Joking with the disappointed kids, Troy said that they could all watch the DVRed Royal Wedding since only he and I have watched it.  The kids groaned.

“I’m sorry,” the boy child said sincerely. “I like England and everything, but I just don’t see how this marriage can last,”

“Why?”  I ask.  “Kate and William really seem to love each other.”

“Are you serious?” He asks, incredulous.  “You saw The King’s Speech.”

“Um…yeah…”

“You know what happens when David marries that divorced American.  It almost destroyed the monarchy.”

“Okaaayyyy….”

“Honestly, I can’t believe the Queen even allowed it.  There’s no way Prince William is going to be happy with the chick from Jon and Kate Plus Eight!”

I’ve heard it is unpleasant to spit up milk through your nose.  Pizza is no picnic either.

I asked him how he heard that Princess Diana’s son was wedding a reality TV star.  He said everyone was talking about it at college: the institution we pay thousands of dollars to give him a good education.

On the upside, Jenny is an expert on the Black Plague of the 1340’s and my son did give me all details on Bin Laden’s assassination, so I guess we’re cool.

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Dear Me, Kids, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dear Me, About Graduation Torture

Posted on May 9, 2011 by LASM

Dear Me,

My emotions have been deliberately and shamelessly manipulated by the children’s choir teacher (who happens to be a personal friend of mine, so I can’t yell at her without consequences).

Every year about this time the 200 kids that make up the different high school choirs put on this really great program they call Gold Dust in which they perform crowd pleasing numbers with choreography, costumes – the whole nine yards.

Because your chromosomes are stronger than Troy’s, each of the kids will excel in choir as opposed to, say soccer. Mwa-ha-ha.

Joy is too tame a word to express how much you love watching your children perform.  They have pitch (which is not a given at this age), facial expression and, sorry babe; while none of them can throw or catch a ball,  man, your offspring can dance!  The boys are charming and Jenny Girl redeems your high school experience by beautifully pulling off sparkly cocktail dresses you could only ever wear in your wildest fantasies.

There is a down side to Gold Dust, however: the Senior Slide show.

So, you’re two thirds of the way through the evening, having a wonderful time, suspecting nothing when a giant screen ominously descends; as you watch, helpless, the baby and senior pictures of each senior student involved in the evening parades before you.  It’s celebratory, sweet, and pure torture.

Oh, look, there’s your adorable, chubby cheeked baby that you long to have back but will never again hold followed by (click) your wonderful teenager, chubby cheeks gone, all grown up and about to walk out of your life because they just don’t need you anymore.  Grief and loss start that prickling sensation in your nose as you wonder where the years have gone and worry that they will never call you.  Isn’t this a beautiful moment? Sobs and sniffles echo throughout the auditorium as sadness and nostalgia overcome the audience.

And its choir, so there’s a soundtrack.

While we’re visually assaulted, kids take turns singing emotionally abusive songs like Butterfly Kisses or Billy Joel’s I’m Moving Out – totally oblivious to the fact that they are ripping hearts through the navel of every parent in the room – only thinking about how much they’re going to miss their friends. The little narcissists.

When it’s over, they make jokes about selling Kleenex to the moms in a previously written skit.  So don’t try to tell me that no one realized what this would do to us.  We have been emotionally brutalized – on purpose!

And the district has the gall to ask us to vote in more money for the arts?  Here’s a thought: how about wrapping up the event with a full service bar in the commons?  There’s a lucrative fundraiser for you. Surely the average high school Junior can handle mixing a sour apple-tini.  With the way the economy’s going it will be useful for them to have the experience on their resume because we all know that even the engineering student will wind up moving back home to tend bar at the local pub.  Win, win.

This is starting to sound bitter.  I do know the choir teacher and she’s pretty nice.  Maybe she’s just pushing us to deal with our feelings instead of stuffing.  Or perhaps this is a warm up for graduation?

Whatever her reason, it gives me comfort to know that this dear woman is the mother of twin toddlers. Her time – and sweet revenge – are coming.  Ha, ha.  Ha ha ha ha!

Love,

Older Wiser You

Posted in College, Dear Me, Graduation, Kids, kids and school, Letting Go | 4 Comments

Dear Me, About Mother’s Day

Posted on May 8, 2011 by LASM

Dear Me,

Remember when you were pregnant with Timothy and your first Mother’s Day rolled around and you asked Troy what he was going to do for you to celebrate and he looked at you all confused and said, “What do you mean?  You’re not a mother.”

Well, he doesn’t get much better.

My advice?  Put away all romantic notions about Mother’s Day and take control.  There are two reasons for this.

  1. Troy cannot be trained to get Mother’s Day right.  He has a disability toward holidays in general.  The best he ever does is take his mom out for brunch and let you come along.  Do not hold your breath for cards, flowers, or even a verbal thank you for wrecking your body for and pouring your life into his children. It will only end in tears.
  2. I have seen what many men get their wives for Mother’s Day.  It’s not pretty. Over the years I have listened to friends sob after receiving grill sets, vacuum cleaners and exercise videos.  Just yesterday I was shopping at a clothing store (yes, in the future you do occasionally do this) and a guy comes up to me asking if I can help him figure out where the swimsuit cover ups.  I showed him, he thanks me, then says – all serious, “Thanks.  I want to get my wife one for Mother’s Day.”  I tried to grab the back of his collar to stop him, but he got away from me.  As you know, anything having to do with a swimsuit is deeply personal and slightly traumatic for pretty much every woman on the planet – especially a woman who has, as he told me later in line, college age children.  It was difficult to watch him pay for his surely disastrous purchase and proudly skip off to his execution.

So, how should you handle Mother’s Day?  Tell Troy he’s off the hook; you are going to plan it.  One year I took a day off and kicked around town alone while the rest of the family stayed home and cleaned. Another, we all went to the grocery store. I told the kids to get whatever they wanted but they could not exceed $7. Then I stuffed it all in my oversized purse and hit a movie. We had a blast.

It’s not very romantic to take Mother’s Day into your own hands, but at the end of it you are pretty much guaranteed a nice time and Troy doesn’t have to walk around feeling guilty.  So let go of the expectations and start thinking about how you would like to celebrate yourself and all the hard work you put into this family that you love so much.

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Cleaning, Dear Me, Expectations, Husbands, Letting Go, Marriage, Mothers Day, Wisdom | Leave a comment

Dear Me, About Releasing Kids into the Wild…

Posted on April 29, 2011 by LASM

“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.”  – Robert A. Heinlein

Dear Me,

So I’m talking to our sister today and she’s telling me that she is probably going to have to take her kids out of private Christian school and put them into public because they can’t really afford the steep tuition anymore. Her main concern is that in public school the girls will be bitten by the morally undead and be her daughters no more.  In their stead will be these foul mouthed, skimpily clad creatures that sell stolen copies of the third grade spelling test and deal grape scented markers so that the fifth grade class can sniff their cares away.  She loves that the school the girls are in now is pretty sheltered, and would like to keep them protected from the world for as long as possible, yet she knows that at some point they need to get out there and figure out how to survive.  What to do?

I totally get this.  If I could I would encase the children – body, mind, heart and ego – in bubble wrap. I recall that you kept trying to get them to wear bubble wrap clothing.  The kids never really take to it.  Something about sweat collection and loud popping sounds when they sit at their desk.

Anyway, it is not easy to let your sweet, naïve child enter the often unkind world.  Problem is, you may be able to keep them out of the world for a while, but despite your best efforts, the world tends to find them.

I remember when Timothy was two and we would take him to the mall to walk around.  He was such a happy, outgoing little guy and would enthusiastically greet every person we passed with a big smile and a friendly, “Hi!”  Most people – even the grouchy ones – would smile at him adoringly and greet him in return, but one day a group of teenage boys passed us and instead of acknowledging him as the little ray of sunshine that he was, rolled their eyes and mocked him.  I will never forget the look of confused hurt that crossed Timothy’s little face.  I saw myself grab the ringleader, slam him against the food court pillar and say, all quiet and Dirty Harry like, “My little boy said hello to you.  Now you’re gonna wave and smile real pretty-like at him aren’t you, punk?  Or do you think today is a good day to waffle-fry your face?”

I didn’t do this.  Even though Troy said my restraint was probably for the best as we didn’t have any money for bail, I still kind of regret it.  Reality discipline is the best thing for wayward teenagers. Right?

And we’re back.

At some point we have to let our children leave the carefully constructed cocoon of love and acceptance to enter Darwin’s godless survival of the fittest savanna.  This transition tears at a mother’s heart, but it’s a part of parenting. Some day you won’t be there to protect them and the later they enter the world the less strength they will have to resist and exist in it.

Or I can keep working on that bubble wrap thing.  Either way.

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Dear Me, Expectations, Kids, Letting Go, Love, Wisdom | 1 Comment

Dear Me, About Your Sense of Style

Posted on April 27, 2011 by LASM

“I base most of my fashion sense on what doesn’t itch.”  – Gilda Radner

Dear Me,

In the future, while you will have a smaller body, your sense of style will not improve.  For some reason God decided you didn’t need the “shopping” or “fashion’ chips in your brain (guess more room was needed for baby cuddling.  Wouldn’t trade, really). However, there are a few things that you learn about clothing along the way:

  1. Wearing Troy’s clothes is wrong.  You have rationalized that many male tops are unisex…and they can be…if you are wearing them to exercise or run to the Home Projects Store.  However, they are no substitute for say…a maternity blouse.  You cannot blame the x-ray tech for asking you if you could be pregnant – even though you are at 34 weeks along – when you are wearing an XXL “I’m with Goofy” sweatshirt with horizontal stripes. You don’t look preggers; you look like you’ve had one too many Dove bars (which you have. Who are we kidding? The baby needs the calcium and chocolate comes from a plant.  It’s practically a vegetable).
  2. Just as there are no milk elves that sneak gallons of the stuff into your fridge at night, clothes do not magically appear in your closet.  You have to go out and get them.  Yes, you hate shopping, but you hate laundry and washing windows and you do that…mostly.  Get over it and get out there.
  3. The key to knowing if an item of clothing is either flattering or fits is to try it on (Yes, it is exhausting and tricky with four small children.  This is why God invented “I Spy” and Tick Tacks).
  4. Pick up a variety of styles in at least two sizes (always start with the bigger one first. Trying on a 14 when a 12 fits better is like finding a twenty in a pair of old jeans.  The other way around is a depression tsunami). Even try on things that look ugly. They can often surprise you.
  5. OK, yes.  You are a woman who is so afraid of seeing her body that she soaps up the bathtub fixtures just in case.  However, when trying on clothing it is important to look at yourself from every angle.  Do not only look at your face.  Otherwise you’ll just keep buying the equivalent of tents with pretty collars.  Take a deep breath and learn what is flattering and what is not.
  6. One reason you don’t go clothes shopping is you keep telling yourself that you will buy nice things once you lose the weight.  Sorry, but this doesn’t work. The truth, is when you feel unattractive you tend to eat more and exercise less.  The solution is to own your body at every size and dress it as well as possible.  Yes, it’s not your dream bod, but it’s yours.  Make the best of it – even embrace it. This will make clothes shopping less torturous.
  7. I have heard several times now from real live flesh and blood men that the most attractive thing about a woman is confidence.  Pick clothes you feel comfortable and confident in – but don’t go the slut route. That’s not confidence, it’s desperation. Troy will let you know where that fine line is with his standard, “I wouldn’t mind you wearing that around the house…after the kids are asleep.”  Hear this and you need to take it off and walk away.
  8. You will never really figure out what is flattering on you.  You have a clothes shopping disability.  Admit this to yourself and ask for help.  Asking a friend with skill to go shopping with you is a win/win for everyone. They are complimented that you asked them, they almost always love shopping, so you are inviting them to do an activity they enjoy, your shopping venture is less painful because you are getting to socialize while you do it, and you will come away with some good stuff!
  9. Troy adores shopping (the freak) so take him along.  He does have strong opinions, however, so make sure that you don’t let anyone talk you into something that you loath.
  10. Don’t commit harry carry if something doesn’t fit right.  Remember, manufacturers are lazy.  So if those jeans are way too long this is not a reflection on your legs, it is the price of mass production.
  11. Clothes shopping is like fishing (what I’ve heard about fishing, anyway): some days they’re biting and some days they aren’t.  There will be shopping expeditions where you will find nothing.  THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANYTHING.  It just means that you didn’t see anything good.  Please know that there will be days when you love everything you try on.  These days are rare, but they’re great.  Remember, if you don’t routinely throw your line in, you won’t catch anything.  It’s best to go once a week or every other week.  If you make it a routine, you will be more likely to find stuff.

As previously stated: when God made you a girl He doubled your maternal instincts and forgot to put in that sense of style thing (I swear that to this day, when I hear a baby cry I have a dry let down.  The girls still want to feed the world).  And the mall will always send you into PTSD from the years of power/marathon shopping with your mom.  Still, facing the dragon is worth it when you have a closet full of functional, comfortable and flattering clothes that make you look – and feel – your best.  You deserve it!

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Dear Me, Fashion/Style, Weight | 9 Comments

Dear Me, About Letting Go…

Posted on April 21, 2011 by LASM

“Children are cuddly to hold, and painful to let go.” – Arthur Tugman

 

Dear me,

Someday you will really, really love making to-do lists.  I know this sounds crazy to you right now; your mom always had piles of to-do lists so you equate them with oppression and anal retention. As it turns out she was totally on to something.

You get into to-do lists for two reasons:

  1. Life gets so crazy that if you didn’t write down the things you needed to do, very little would get done.  You only have to miss so many dentist appointments and eat dry cereal because you forgot the milk a certain number of times to learn how helpful they can be.  Plus as your brain gets older you just can’t remember everything.  There are way too many distractions.  It’s like trying to count to 100 while someone is singing the Barney song in one ear and the ABC’s in the other. Actually, that literally happens quite a bit.
  2. Crossing an accomplished task off of your list is a beautiful feeling – right up there with knuckle cracking and that first bite of a really good desert after a tough day. Seriously.  It’s practically a religious experience. Which is why you will find yourself writing things on your list that you’ve already done just for the rush of crossing it off.

But eventually you will come to a set of tasks that are not gratifying to cross off; you will grieve the accomplishment; that there isn’t more to do.

Yesterday I crossed the last item off of my “get Johnathan registered for college” list and in that moment, the fact that my baby boy is leaving us became real. I swear I actually heard a thud in my heart that is still painfully echoing through my chest.

It was probably because of the last thing that was on that list: picking his roommate.  Suddenly this stranger wasn’t’ a fictional, faceless character out there somewhere; he turned into a real, flesh and blood, three dimensional person: Matt. Matt has a personality.  He is neat, likes country music and plans to study 7 – 9 hours a week. He has a hometown, parents, and a microwave that he plans to bring up.

The reality of Matt somehow made the reality of Johnathan’s exit from the nest much more real.   I don’t like Matt. Johnathan can’t share his care package cookies with Matt. Matt may not put anything in my son’s little fridge.

But wait!  That reminds me:  we still have loads of shopping to do: that little fridge! A laptop! Socks!

Oh!  And then there’s the graduation party!  We have to figure out invitations, decorations, food.

This is great! I need to make a list so I don’t forget anything.  I now have too much on my plate to sit in my grief.

Yup.  Someday you’re really going to love your to-do list.

Posted in Dear Me, Kids, kids and school | 4 Comments

Dear Me, About Punishing a Child’s Mistake…

Posted on April 19, 2011 by LASM

“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dear Me,

A dear friend just told me a funny story.  Her six and four year old boys came upstairs – all proud, mind you – to show her the results of their new game: barber shop.  With the help of his older brother the four year old had cut a near bald spot into his hair.  He proudly announced, “I can see my head!”,   like this was a good thing.

Naturally her instinctive response was to become angry with the boys, but then God reminded her that they were not being rebellious or even careless.  She had never told them that they were not to cut their own hair, so they had no idea that they had done anything wrong.  Yes, she would have to shave her preschool son’s head down to near baldness and he would look like a midget marine for a few months.  Still, God gave her the grace to display the two appropriate responses: One, to tell the boys that, in the future, we don’t cut our own hair (Or eyelashes.  She had to throw that one in because of a remembered incident with her sister.), and two, she laughed.

Girlie, please remember and internalize this story.  It is so important that you don’t punish your children when they make an innocent mistake (usually the result of the mistake is punishment enough!).  It can really damage their spirit and in child discipline you want protect that sweet spirit – even as you break their will.

So when you find the two youngest using Niko the dog’s food to play kitchen, keep your cool.  They are only 2 and 3 years old and don’t know it is wrong to stuff puppy kibble in their cheeks like hamsters. Think about it: everything they shouldn’t have, you put up out of their reach; the dog bowl is on their level.  In addition, eating it makes sense to them. Niko eats their left overs.  Shouldn’t sharing go both ways?  And now the mystery of why their poop has smelled like a kennel is solved!

Just laugh, correct, hug them tight – and try not to gag!

Love, Older Wiser you

Posted in Child Discipline, Dear Me, Expectations, Kids, temper | 2 Comments

Dear Me, About Getting the Kids Through School…

Posted on April 18, 2011 by LASM

“Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations.  Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit.” – Robert Brault

Dear Me,

So, you were mostly a latch-key kid.  Even when you weren’t, no one was checking up on your grades.  Thus you were the classic underachiever.  In college you decided that this had nothing to do with your personality; it was how you were raised.  If you had stability and accountability in your school years, you would be a totally different person (you would probably even keep spotless baseboards). This is part of the reason why you decided to be a full-time mom, go to every parent teacher conference, volunteer in class rooms, and always have box cake mix on hand for any last minute bake sales.

In short, you will be involved, thus guaranteeing that the children go on to be the Honor Roll, Ivy League college scholars that you never were.  Just work hard enough and their successes will make up for your failures.

That and you won’t have to save up for their college because there is a tuition fairy.

Here’s the thing: no matter how much and in what manner you nurture you child, each one is born with their own nature.  This means you can’t just decide your kid will be brilliant in Math and Science when you – the mother – have such an underdeveloped left brain that you can’t lift your head off of your right shoulder.

Therefore, don’t be shocked when Jenny Girl says that no matter how hard she tries, when the science teacher starts lecturing all she can hear is AM radio static. Or when every teacher tells you that Tommy, the son of the man who got a C in calculus and never studied, is super smart but not working up to his potential.

Here’s some encouragement:  you and Troy figured it out and so will they.  Jenny will indeed learn her times tables ( Yes, you have to put each of them to song, but still).  Someday Tommy will tell you he’s decided it’s easier to do assignments when he first gets them instead of waiting until the last minute (he says this as if he has discovered a strategy that will revolutionize the education system – as if you haven’t told him this daily for 13 years).   Johnathan eventually starts to turn in the homework he completed (that one still kills me.  Who does the homework and then doesn’t turn it in?  It’s like paying your taxes for 40 years but not collecting Social Security.  Oh, wait…).

Look, I’ll save you the suspense:  No one gets on the honor roll.  Not one of them goes to an Ivy League college.  However…

  • Your kids really like learning.  Sometimes they actually talk about what they learned in school with enthusiasm.
  • At every single parent/teacher conference each of your kiddos are praised for their respectful behavior and class participation.
  • Two of them do get small academic scholarships.  It’s not a lot.  Kind of like a college coupon, but still!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that kids come with a lot already programmed into them.  Yes, teach them discipline to the best of your ability, but just remember: you can make a kid study, but you can’t make is stick.

Love, Older Wiser You

Posted in Dear Me, Expectations, grades, Kids, kids and school | Leave a comment